Writing to reach you

While scouring some old hard drives for blackmail fodder (i.e. drunken photos) I happened across the below. I remember writing it and being quite amused by my own cleverness at the time, although I don't know whether I'd have been sober or not. I've been a struggling writer for years, and by struggling I actually mean someone-who's-made-very-little-effort-to-do-anything: writing is something I've wanted to do since I was a small child and I've put down some words on occasion, but I've always wanted to go long form.

My problem has always been twofold - "Where the fuck do you start?" and "What if I'm shit?". The second one has been the hardest hurdle as I'm a creature of confidence, someone who'll gladly do absolutely anything until someone tells me I'm shite. It's probably says something about my own maturity levels that I still crave the pats on the back I used to get at school for being a very clever boy. It'd be nice to have someone read along as I write and tell me how well I'm doing, but my ultimate fear is that sycophancy - or worse, indifference - leads to me being found out.

Ho hum. Dry your eyes, as the song goes.

Anyway, this was written at some point in 2007. I think, but I'm not sure, I'd already read the first of Joe Abercrombie and Scott Lynch's brilliant novels, all of which, as everyone is aware, are far more than Tolkien with swearing.

Let's create a world.

The world must have, in the first instance, Good and Evil. These are the basic cornerstones of the Fantasy World. Everything is in black and white, East and West a la Tolkien. This is primarily because in a finite world there is always something to fight for, something definite. Hence, the Oppressed and the Oppressor, the Hero and the Villain.

In a Sci-Fi world, this isn't necessarily the case. There are more grey areas in Sci-Fi, thanks to the pure black of space. The vacuum sucks up everything, morality, reason, sanity. Nothing is for certain because infinity has no absolutes. Sci-Fi, Lucas aside, is the home of the grey area.

These are the basics.

Standard pulp fantasy to this day is the home of the linear plotline (well, duh, it's a book) and the po-faced, dull arse hero. There are twists, but they're all retelling Tolkien with various levels of swearing and shagging. Fantasy Hero embarks on a journey for (insert reason here), has a bit of a shit time in book two, then overcomes everything to save the day in book three. Wahey.

So we have, from a programming point of view, the following variables:

define Hero as Cliche(Background, CharacterTraits, Destiny)
define HeroEntourage as GroupCliche(ComedyName, Background, GrudgeAgainstHero, PercentageOfBeingAnnoying); HeroEntourage.LoveInterest; HeroEntourage.BigMusclyThickDude; HeroEntourage.StealthDude; HeroEntourage.SlightlyDodgyGuyWhoIsEitherBadGuyOrRedHerringDude; HeroEntourage.WiseOldSmartArseMentorDude
define UltimateEvil as OhNoNotAnotherOne(ReasonForBeingEvil, StupidLevel)
define UltimateEvilHenchmen as NotWorthNamingJustGiveThemARedShirt(CoolSwordThough)
define Prophecy as OHNOESTHEWURALDISENDING

etc etc.


Standard Trilogy Trajectory

being BookOne

define Hero.Background
define Hero.CharacterTraits
define HeroEntourage.WiseOldSmartArseMentorDude
define Hero.Destiny

begin Journey

define HeroEntourage

for HalfContractedBookLength
talkabouttrees
talkabouthorses
talkaboutcampsites

if WaffleFactorGetsTooHigh then HaveRandomFight

then TalkAbout Hero.Destiny

define UltimateEvil.ReasonForBeingEvil
define UltimateEvilHenchmen.RedShirt1
kill Hero.RandomFamilyMember
includeviolationof HeroEntourage.LoveInterest(StopStrugglingYoullEnjoyIt)

for TwelvePages
give HeroAKicking
then HeroEntourage.LoveInterest GetsRevenge

kill UltimateEviHenchmen.RedShirt1

end Journey

define Prophecty as OoohExciting
define Hero.Destiny(Again)

begin JourneyPartTwo
end BookOne

begin BookTwo

begin TheFunBit

for HalfContractedBookLength
havesomefun
youknowyouwantto
haverandomfights
rescuesomecolonistdaughtersfromtheirvirginity
havesomeshagging
then kill Hero.Entourage(SomePoorBastard)

end TheFunBit

begin ThePain
begin TheSuffering

define HeroEntourage.WiseOldSmartArseMentorDude as ReallyFuckingHigh

for FourChapters
kicktheshitoutofthehero
killsomeminorcharactersquiteviolently
unleasthedeathstarorsummat
bringouttheultimateevilearly
then kill Hero(DidntSeeThatComing)

end TheSuffering
end ThePain


begin TheAfterlife

define God
define Pantheon
define Angels


define God.BoredomLevel
define God.CrueltyFactor
define God.MysteriousWaysQuotient
define God.PoMoFourthWallBreakage

define Prophecy as LoadOfShite
define Hero.Destiny(BitDifferentNow)

define Hero as UltimateEvil(YesReally)
define Time as Malleable

define God as ViciousBastard

end TheAfterLife
end BookTwo

begin BookThreeButReallyBookOneAgain(FromAnotherPointOfView)


define UltimateEvil as NotThatBadReally
define Hero.TrueDestiny
define Prophecy as HowTheFuckDoIWorkThisOneOut


begin JourneyTowardsEndOfBookTwo
notrees
nohorses
definitelynofuckingcampsites
includeexistentialangst
includeviolentmurdersby HeroEntourage.SlightlyDodgyGuyWhoIsEitherBadGuyOrRedHerringDude(ReallyUltimateEviHenchmen.RedShirt1)
includeviolationof HeroEntourage.LoveInterest(StopStrugglingYoullEnjoyIt)
kill UltimateEviHenchmen.RedShirt1(buhbye!)
seebooktwosynopsis
end JourneyTowardsEndOfBookTWo

begin EndOfBookThreeAndThereforeTrilogy

define UltimateEvil as HeroAgain
define HeroAgain as GrimAndGritty(UnshavenAndWearingATrenchcoat)

define Prophecy as OooohThatsClever

define Hero.Destiny as HopeItWasWorthIt

kill everyone

end EndOfBookThreeAndThereforeTrilogy

begin HopeForTheBest



I probably thought I was being very clever.

The Battle of Vaajiata

There are two ways to talk about a battle in EVE Online. They're both hard, for different reasons. The first way, the easier way you would think, would be to weave a story around the events, set up the players and their motivations, give a little backstory and then blow-by-blow describe the eventual coming together of the two parties. It's hard because you first of all have to be good at telling a story, and you also have to be aware enough of all the events to make that story coherent.

The second way involves being dispassionate, analytical. This method is less attractive to the average reader, but for the hardcore EVE player, one more au fait with the technicalities of a PvP encounter, it can be a real learning experience.

So how to tell the tale of the Battle of Vaajiata? Well, bearing in mind that the raison d'etre of RPSH, one of the two protagonists, is to introduce new people to EVE as fast and as hard as we can, let's try a little of both.

Firstly, the roll call. On one side we have RPS Holdings (RPSH), a corp of over 100 players, dedicated to introducing new people to the world of EVE. At the core of the corp is a kernel of jaded EVE vets, some with over five years of playtime, and surrounded on all sides by a warm, fuzzy meatshield of players with only weeks or months under their belt. In the other corner is Allied Tactical Squadron and their friends (ATSQ), a conglomerate of experienced players with their fair share of newbies - although it has to be said that the ratio of vets to new players was higher with ATSQ, and that their new players were older than ours.


As we found out, it was common practise for ATSQ to declare war on other Empire only corporations as they revelled in cheap kills and easy ganks. No different to any other PvP corp, it must be said, but there are crucial differences in tactics between high-sec and null-sec combat - the obvious one being the ability to dock in far more stations, in busier systems with more stargates to run away through. You also don't have to worry about interdictors and anyone, absolutely anyone could be an alt.

Looking at the cold hard (alltime) stats of RPSH vs ATSQ, it's easy to wonder how we managed to win the war. 111 losses overall to them, compared with only 58 kills. Strip the stats down, ignore the 21 shuttle, noob ship and pod kills, and you find that 56 of the remaining losses are all tech 1 frigates, the cheapest ship type in the game. That's because we demanded that all our new players learn to fly disposable tackling frigates as early as possible and then throw them into the fray. Ridding yourself of The Fear as quickly as possible is essential for PvP in EVE where everything you own is earned through blood, sweat and tears and once it's gone, it's gone.


The War began, as they often do, with one innocuous action. RPSH's home system of Vaajiata, was sandwiched between ATSQ's home of Akonoinen and a low security system called Aurohunen. In Aurohunen it was possible to attack other players without repercussions from CONCORD, the ingame NPC police force, although anyone doing so would then be globally flagged as a criminal. I'd been a good boy for a long time, never really pirated in low sec systems, but living in high-sec space with RPSH was leaving me aching for the kind of PvP I was used to. When I spotted a lone Drake ratting in an asteroid belt in Aurohunen, I decided to go in for the kill... and what a kill it was, as thirteen of his friends piled in and took out my ship from under me.

The following demands then appeared in local chat:

[ 2009.10.16 01:30:17 ] Dozofprom > rps WILL DIE
[ 2009.10.16 01:30:34 ] Dozofprom > check your mail, u choose poorly
[ 2009.10.16 01:31:02 ] Dozofprom > pay us 2 bil in 24hrs or you all die
[ 2009.10.16 01:33:47 ] Dozofprom > including any poses anywhere

To which I answered:

[ 2009.10.16 01:35:41 ] M PIquet > I am authorised to say: "ROFL"

That didn't go down well. A few minutes later the declaration of war arrived, which was all very exciting.

The same can't be said of the war itself, however. ATSQ excelled in hugging stations and only ever engaged with greater numbers. Apart from the Battle of Vaajiata itself there were no gang engagements during the war, only a collection of ganks and solo wins. ATSQ also had a nice line in smack, telling us that we blobbed and had too many ships to contemplate fighting, neatly forgetting that they did, of course, war dec a corp three times their size. But such is the mindset of average EVE player: the game had to be set in space to contain all the incredibly large egos.


Tit for tat kills, although more tit than that, followed. They lost some ships, we lost some more ships. We tended to hide when their mainly US timezone gangs got together and similiarly they hid from us during European prime time. It all came to a head one Sunday night in October.

Our gang was bulked up and as heavy as it could get. Even though the majority of our corp members were merely months old we still numbered a several battleships and battlecruisers in amongsth our numbers, but our intelligence was that ATSQ were massing a sniper battleship gang on the Vaajiata gate in Akonoinen - our scout had seen them warping to the gate at range and then warping back out to a safe spot, clearly making tactical sniper spots around the gate. My inital thought, as fleet commander, was to get our gang out of Vaajiata and away from prying eyes and try to circle round behind the ATSQ home system and come at them from another angle, hopefully catching them either at their safe spot or at their sniper positions. We jumped into a neighbouring system to consider options, and waited, leaving one BS behind as bait. ATSQ took that bait, and the fight was on.

The decision of where to fight was basically taken out of our hands when two ATSQ battleships, including their own fleet commander Dozofprom, jumped through the Vaajiata stargate. Dozofprom had not endeared himself to RPSH with his incessant smacktalk in local chat but his apparent niavete in combat did ensure that I enjoyed going up against him. ATSQ were obviously used to empire combat and their first response in any engagement where they were overwhelmed was usually to deaggress and dock or jump out and run.


The ATSQ ships engaged in Vaajiata and we jumped back in, quickly warping in. ATSQ's numbers also rose in local and the fight was joined. We outnumbered them, although they had Falcons, jamming ships that were force multipliers and could potentially take at least four of our five battleships out of the battle, but our frigate pilots responded well and took the first one out as it uncloaked. Our BS and BCs quickly took out the first ATSQ BS - a Raven - and switched targets to the next. Two enemy Dominix went down as we lost a Typhoon, while an ATSQ Hyperion and Abaddon pair followed type and jumped back out. That left only two hostile battleships - Dozofprom himself, still futilely shooting away until his hull imploded, and a last Dominix which went down in no time. We'd lost one battleship, they'd lost five and two more had run away. We'd won.

My first instincts proved false as the ATSQ gang turned out not to be sniper fit, but were instead a remote-repair gang. That meant that they sacrificed overall firepower by fitting remote armour repair mods in their high slots. Used well this type of battleship gang is utterly devestating and can sometimes need capital support to kill. ATSQ forgot the first rule of combat in an RR gang, however - stick together. Fitted onto non-logistics craft, ships without bonuses to module range, the repair modules were only of use within ten kilometres, meaning all the BS would have to stay in a battle ball. Jumping into combat instantly means that ships within the gang can be up to thirty kilometres apart. In a triple-plated trimarked BS that could take anything up to a minute to travel. It was a bad decision, and the killmails only highlighted the terrible fits to go with them - a good RR gang has RR on every ship, not on half of them. If this sounds like arrogance, that's because it is, but it's the arrogance gained from total victory. Not all my fights have went this well, before or after, but this is one win I'll always remember, as much for the fight as for the immediate result...

Mere minutes later the entire corp received a notificaton by EVE-mail: ATSQ were retracting the war. We'd not only won, we'd defeated them so completely they withdrew all hostilities. The field was ours, the victory was ours, the enemy so defeated they knelt in supplication. This, surely, is what EVE is all about.

The morning after

The Cumbria Shootings are, of course, domninating the British media at the moment, as it should. It's an event of horrific magnitude and whatever "reasons" are uncovered for Derrick Bird's actions, they'll never be enough for the hundreds of people affected.

Reports now state that Bird's first victims where his lawyer and his twin brother, his brother for god's sakes, and that the rampage may have been sparked by an argument over a will. So he has a grudge, kills those responsible for it and then... makes a decision.

Now I, personally, can imagine hurting someone in retaliation for hurting me, or my son, or someone else very close to me. I cannot imagine, in my own mind, hurting someone because they've pissed me off. How desperate must you be to not only set out to hurt, but to kill? It's not something I can comprehend. But, having made that decision, to commit this violent act, Bird must have known that his life as he knew it was over. We'll never know when he decided to take his own life, but the most horrific thing about the entire day, for me, is that before he did, he must also have decided to keep on killing. In for the penny, in for the pound. Once you've started, why stop?

Forty people shot, 12 dead so far. Why didn't he end it straight away? What made him hate so much that he felt the need to shoot at random? It's probably better we never know, because no matter the reason, it'll never be explanation enough.

It must be summer because...

...I just found a spider the size of a golfball in my bathtub. Now I know it's not hurting anyone, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't die.

It was him or me, yer honour...

Well hung

I am one of the 30 million UK residents who didn't vote. Admittedly, that number comes from here and doesn't take into account those below the voting age of 18 or insane or foreign or barred from voting for whatever reason. However it's worked out, only 29 million and change people voted in this election and I wasn't one of them.

There are reasons for this: the most important one is that my constituency is a safe SNP area. I knew this a week before polling day when I strolled around Perth city centre watching kids brandish SNP balloons while Conservative and LibDem party followers chatted amongst themselves rather than hand out leaflets or, god forbid, try and convince people that their party was the better option. I don't actually remember seeing any Labour party officials anywhere, which says a lot about their own campaign.

I don't like the SNP and I don't trust them. They may form the ruling party of the "Scottish Government" but that doesn't mean they're any more than the single issue party that they came from. They're short sighted, inexperienced and, ultimately, insane. They say that they have the best interest of Scotland at heart, but the main thrust of their party is that Scotland should be independent. Beyond that, they don't seem to have any ideas.

The Barnett Formula rules how much money Scotland receives from the UK Government. At the moment that's around 117% per capita of HM Funding as opposed to 97% in England. There's less of us, but we get more money from the Treasury. And Alex Salmond wants us to secede?

He's a fucking moron.

Let's secede then. Let's lose all that lovely funding for Scottish hospitals and the Welfare State. Let's let Scottish schools close. Let's let the UK Armed Forces move south because all of our men and women swore an oath to the Queen and have the self respect to keep that oath. Let's do what the SNP want us to do and fuck ourselves right in the arse with a poison tipped hedgehog.

Or, maybe, let's not.

I'm not going to pretend that I have any of the right answers. I'm just the guy on the street. But, at the end of the day, I'm also the guy who should be asking questions of my government, and so I have. I've emailed my local MP (who is of the SNP persuasion) asking him about how his party actually intends on running Scotland without the UK Treasury's yearly donation. I'm currently "Looking forward to his reply". Hopefully I'll be posting it soon...